


An Interlude; or, Compulsory Heterosexuality Made Me Do It

by gallantrejoinder, teacupsandcyanide



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: AKA the make out we heard about in Sound of Nothing was not quite what it appeared to be, Alcohol, Bad decisions bingo, Gen, Humour with feelings, Lesbian Character, Lesbian Character of Color, Missing Scene, do not copy to another site, lesbian farah, wlw/mlm solidarity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 13:12:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18692173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gallantrejoinder/pseuds/gallantrejoinder, https://archiveofourown.org/users/teacupsandcyanide/pseuds/teacupsandcyanide
Summary: Farah and Todd did, in fact, make out while on the run. They also both realised some very important things about themselves.But not the things you might expect.





	An Interlude; or, Compulsory Heterosexuality Made Me Do It

When Farah finally decides to woman up and kiss Todd, it’s not under the best of circumstances.

Now admittedly, that might be for the better. Farah works best under pressure. (To a point. Because at said point, she will just start stuttering so hard her teeth hurt.) And there’s few times more pressing to kiss someone than when they’ve just started crying and both of you are rip-roaring drunk on terrible, terrible Jack Daniels that you shoplifted from a store because at this point you’re already on the run from the CIA, and really, what are they gonna do, throw you in prison?

So yeah, sure, Farah’s aware that these are not good circumstances and she might actually be really _really_ tipsy, but Farah makes do. Todd’s her best friend, and they’ve been on the road for months, making no progress whatsoever, and they’re drunk. This is inevitable. She’s going to kiss him and he’s going to kiss her and the two of them are going to Bonnie and Clyde their way across America until they find Dirk. It’s what any normal person would do in her situation, and Farah is _normal_.

She takes a deep breath, licks her lips, and clumsily leans over to kiss Todd on the twin bed they’re both moping on at two AM, and it’s done.

She did it.

She kissed him.

… She _is_ kissing him.

It’s … still going? Farah frowns, trying to concentrate. She should be feeling something right now, but mostly all she can think about is how upset her stomach is about the alcohol, and how completely thrown off her equilibrium she is, butterflies racing through her head … But that, to her disappointment, is also the alcohol, as she discovers when she hopefully examines the feeling a little more closely.

Todd’s … No, it’s not Todd. Todd’s not a bad kisser. He’s not forcing his tongue down her throat or anything. In fact, it’s very gentle. _Farah_ must be the one doing something wrong. She tries to deepen the kiss a little, but regrets it immediately. Todd makes a quiet sound and responds immediately, and the vaguely empty quiet feeling in her stomach suddenly roars into a nightmarish wave of terror.

She breaks the kiss.

“Oh, God,” she mutters, leaning back, as far as she can go.

Todd looks dazed, blinking back at her. He doesn’t say anything, totally stunned. Possibly also the alcohol, again.

Farah does what she always does when she’s frightened. She stands up, pulls her gun out of her bag, and begins methodically cleaning it, pacing back and forth in their tiny motel room. Todd remains seated on the bed, eyes wandering back and forth as he follows her movements.

“I don’t understand,” Farah says. “I mean, it just, it – it doesn’t make sense. It can’t make sense. There’s something wrong with – no, no. It’s normal. I’m normal. I’m a _normal_ person, right?”

“Um, right?” Todd guesses, squinting at her in the dark. His skin is lit up red and blue from the neon sign outside the motel. The dye job never did him any favours, but still, with his eyes all wide in the darkness and his jawline as sharp as a tack, he could be beautiful, in this light.

 _Why_ isn’t he beautiful?

“So maybe I’m just – drunk, on alcohol. I had lots of alcohol, Todd, we both did, it’s – we’re both totally irresponsible, I have to look out for us, oh God. We’re still on the run, how could I even _think_ about –”

“Right.”

“I just – I don’t understand, I don’t … if I don’t want to kiss one of the best guys I’ve ever met – and like, you’re not bad-looking –”

“Thanks?”

Farah cuts herself off, wincing. But the word vomit is clawing its way back up her throat almost instantly, and she waves her gun around carelessly as she continues.

“– and we’ve been on the run together this whole time, so it’s only natural – it _should_ be natural – and I care about you? You’re just. I care about you so much, you’re a good – great – you’re a person, and I’m a person, and I – I would die for you so _why don’t I want to kiss you_?”

Farah stops, finally, feeling the breath leave her lungs in a strangle gasp. She might be having a panic attack. No, she’s not. She’s drunk. Can you be drunk and have a panic attack? She should know that, it should be right up there with all her other knowledge about drugs and symptoms and guns and the best way to disarm an opponent over 250 lbs, but her head’s all fuzzy.

Todd’s staring at her. Slowly he raises his shoulders in a comically over-the-top shrug.

“I mean … maybe you’re just gay?”

Farah stares back at him.

She drops her chin, eyes widening. Vaguely she thinks her drunken look of shock must be incredibly funny on the outside.

_Maybe you’re just –_

“Shit – no – I didn’t mean –” Todd blurts out. “Obviously not as in, like, if you’re not into _me_ then obviously you _must_ be a lesbian, I was just –”

Farah holds up a finger, shushing him.

“No. Mm. Hang on,” she says, slurring slightly.

Todd keeps looking at her, tilting his head as if to say, _what_? But then – a look of realisation slowly makes its way over his features.

“Oh,” he gasps.

Farah feels something like horror whoosh right through her as she realises that he knows exactly what she’s thinking.

“Oh,” she whispers. After a pause, she continues. “… I don’t like … and maybe I do like …”

“You do?”

“… I,” Farah swallows, “… do?

“Well,” Todd says, his eyes impossibly wide in the darkness, “Hey, I mean. I ... like … both?”

“Both?”

Todd holds up two fingers, nodding vigorously. “Two!”

“Both!” Farah gasps. “But …”

Todd immediately shrinks in on himself, looking like he wants to throw up.

“Is that … a problem?”

“No!” Farah cries, too quickly.

“Okay.” Todd looks relieved, though still a little tense, his shoulders tight.

There is a very long pause.

They both begin to speak at the same moment.

“I think I just like –”

“I mean, hey, I’m super flattered that I was your last –”

“Sorry,” Farah says.

“Sorry.” Todd shakes his head, looking embarrassed.

“You go,” Farah insists.

“No, you go.”

“Todd.” Farah grits her teeth. “I will kill you, please, just finish your sentence.”

“Okay – okay!” Todd’s voice has gone extremely high-pitched.

Farah squints at him, questioning.

“Uh, you’re still holding your gun.”

“Oh. Oh!” She quickly puts it down on the table beside the bed. “Sorry.”

Todd clears his throat as Farah awkwardly perches on the side of the bed.

“I was going to say.” He shrugs. “Thanks, I guess? That I was your last shot at … being straight? It’s like? Weirdly flattering.”

Farah makes a noise that simultaneously means, _it’s fine, you’re very sweet_ , and _please don’t look at me right now because I’m very embarrassed_. Then she tries actual words.

“You’re a great … guy,” she stutters out.

“You’re a great … gal. Woman. Person.”

Once more they hesitate, sitting side by side and stiff as boards. It’s only then that Farah remembers –

“Shit. I’m sorry, are you okay?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, no I’m fine. Are you okay?”        

Farah blinks.

“No – Todd, _I’m_ fine, we’re talking about you!”

“Wh – me?”

“Yes!” Farah cries, exasperated. How is he not getting it? “I kissed you and then I stopped and then I had a … an identity crisis or something and – didn’t you …? Like. _Like_ … me?”

“Oh!” Todd squeaks. “I mean.” He winces.

Farah spreads her hands in utter confusion at his reticence. Alcohol is making words difficult right now but she’s clearheaded enough to know that Todd’s hiding something.

“No, no, I do! Like you. Uh …”

“…. So …? Are you – how do you feel?” Farah lets her voice soften, waiting for Todd to answer.

“… Fine?” Todd pauses for a good ten seconds, staring into the distance. “Actually, I kinda feel … Relieved?”

“ _Relieved_?”

“Yeah. I think. I do have a … I  _did_  have a … crush on you? Like. A thing for you? I guess? I mean I liked you.”

Farah digests the information. It was something she’d definitely suspected, but …

“And now you … don’t?”

“I … don’t think I … ever liked you?”

Farah raises her eyebrows.

“I mean obviously I always liked you, I just mean I … I thought I  _liked_  you. But I think I just liked you? And …”

“And?”

“And. Like I am. Attracted to you. Or I was. But we’ve … we’ve been on the road for so long now and – like I love you –”

The faint nausea Farah’s been ignoring for the last half hour quickly resolves into fear and she squeaks, unable to help it. Volume is suddenly of the essence when Todd continues talking.

“ _AS A FRIEND_. As just – I love you as a friend.”

Oh.

Farah’s never had anyone love her as a friend. When she thinks about her family, she wonders if she’s ever been loved her at _all_. To her embarrassment, she feels tears pricking at her eyes.

“I … I love you too,” she whispers, a secret between the two of them. He might really, actually be her best friend.

Todd is thinking the same thing, she can tell. He smiles at her softly.

Wait, unless he _isn’t_ thinking the same thing –

“As a friend,” Farah hurriedly adds.

“I know,” Todd laughs. He clears his throat, looking contemplative.

Farah examines him, a thought niggling at the back of her mind. They _are_ best friends. But she can’t forget the reason they’re on the road in the first place … the person that ought to be here.

“Hey. Todd.”

“Huh?”

“So if you’re …” Farah motions awkwardly with two hands. “And you thought … with me … then. Dirk?” She raises her eyebrows, trying to convey what she’s thinking. It’s just a hunch but ... Farah has _good_ hunches, and _drunk_ Farah has the _best_ hunches.

“Dirk?” Todd just looks confused.

Farah nods seriously.

“ _Dirk_.”

Todd scoffs disbelievingly.

“ _Dirk_?”

Farah gives up.

“Yes! Dirk!”

Todd stares at her. And then he stares at the floor. And then he looks back at her with wide, terrified eyes.

“Oh,” he whispers. “Shit.”

**Author's Note:**

> [My Tumblr.](https://gallantrejoinder.tumblr.com/) \- gallantrejoinder.
> 
> [Jeb voice] Please comment.


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